Navigating Darkness

written in 2018.

Do you remember the old jingle “We are Going on a Bear Hunt”...?

"We're going on a bear hunt. We're going on a bear hunt 

We're going to catch a big one, I'm not scared …

Mud! Thick oozy mud. 

We can't go over it. We can't go under it. 

Oh no! We've got to go through it! 

Squelch squerch! Squelch squerch! Squelch squerch!”

Life essentially is like the bear hunt - though of course we aren’t searching for a bear - rather we are searching for our worthy love-able selves. Funnily enough, that worthy self exists inside, but we may find it difficult to see. It can take traipsing through mud/ darkness to finally accept ourselves as we are - innately worthy and loveable. 

Caution: this post is NOT about how to DODGE the darkness but instead offers some of my personal discoveries around how to go THROUGH it!

Ready? 

DARKNESS

So Darkness can be any low point, time or situation that feels hard or heavy or overwhelming. At some point in life, all human beings get to know what it's like to feel anxiety/ frustration/ shame/ guilt/ fear/ grief/ struggle/ worry/ resentment/ anger - and none of these feelings are wrong but they aren't necessarily pleasant. Darkness may show up for you as a general theme or it may be specific to career/ health/ relationships/ personal development. Truly, darkness is ALWAYS a lesson in disguise...this is why you don’t want to dodge it!

MY STUFF

My personal dance with darkness in 2018 has been very interesting. I’ve come face to face with little pain points I didn’t even know existed inside. My lessons have been born out of struggles with health (digestive, endocrine and sleep imbalances), relationships (familial and intimate), body image, finances, time management ... basically an ever-evolving list of ingredients that add flavour to my soup of life lessons. 

Hard and painful experiences are ultimately gateways to growth. And while of course, I am still learning, I have had some pretty amazing breakthroughs. My greatest lesson: Do not dodge the darkness. Choose to go THROUGH the mud. If you can see/feel/dream of a destination that exists beyond the mud - that is your signal to step THROUGH it. And that means letting go and surrendering. You have to let go of all the old fears and judgments that want to protect you and inhibit you from moving THROUGH the mud.

CRYING ON THE FLOOR

A few months ago I experienced 3 very memorable LET GO moments - where I found myself crying in a heap on the floor - uncontrollable emotional purging. Each crying episode happened about a week apart from the other. While crying is not unusual for me (I’ll tear up just listening to a podcast or reading something sweet), these crying episodes were different - and not just because they were reaaallly messy, sweaty, noisy, chest heaving, snotty, red faced crying episodes. I could physically feel something shift out of me - like an old toxic memory. Each episode came about pretty abruptly and intensely and felt very disturbing at the time BUT there was immense peace in the aftermath. On all 3 occasions guess what? I survived. I was okay. Letting go was actually okay.

Which leads me to my first hot tip:

SURRENDER

Literally the moment you just throw your hands up and say “OKAY - it's too much to resist this” - is the moment you step into growth. FACT: the human spectrum of emotions includes pain - but oftentimes the RESISTANCE to feeling pain is SO MUCH MORE PAINFUL than just feeling it. It has been suggested that each individual “feeling” lasts 90 seconds max, and so when you let pain arise and truly just feel it - you’ll notice sensations shifting pretty rapidly. Of course, it’s possible that another different yet painful sensation will arise - but overtime the pain will subside. Many people have cleared life long traumas from their body in the space of a few minutes when they implemented the right support systems and emotional outlets. Amazing shifts are possible when you dedicate time and space to feel.

FEEL THE FEELS 

We were given this body to e-mote - to feel energy in motion. Our minds evolve and learn at increasingly rapid rates- but the body still needs a FELT process. Look at young children who are not conditioned by societal standards of what is “appropriate.” They emote in beautiful primal ways - throwing tantrums when they are angry, shaking when they are scared, running around when they are excited, crying when they are sad. They let energy move!

PRACTICALITY

Sometimes it’s not practical to FEEL everything in the moment it arises - but seriously allocate time and space to do it, because freedom exists on the other side. 

OUTLETS.... 

I can't emphasise enough how important it is to LET IT OUT...and to find the appropriate outlets for you.

1. CRY

If you love a good solo wallow - it can be great medicine. If you feel unsafe to cry alone - make sure you have a friend or parent or therapist you can call on for support - someone who can hold space for you without expectations or a need for an explanation. 

2. SHAKE/ MOVE

Shaking/ moving/ jumping up and down - literally shifts stress hormones out of the nervous system. Movement in all its forms be it yoga, running, swimming, walking, dancing - not only changes your brain chemistry, but it attunes you to your body, and quietens the mental chitter chatter.

3. PUNCH IT OUT

Instead of being aggressive with someone else, try fist pumping the air or a pillow or a boxing bag to let out excess steam and rage.

4. SCREAM/ YELL

Instead of yelling at a person, you can find a private and safe outlet (where you won't disturb the neighbours) e.g. towards the ocean or into a pillow or in the car.

5. TOUCH

Human touch is an essential part of survival. As soon as we leave the mother’s womb, we need touch. This could mean hugging a friend or treating yourself to a massage.

6. ART 

Many of the world’s great artists produce masterpieces in the midst of despair and emotional anguish. Use your emotions as fuel. Let the fingers/ toes/ body/ voice do the work and just drop in - be it cooking/ painting/ singing/ movies/ music/ sewing/ coding/ dancing/ pottery… pick your poison!

7. NATURE

Getting outside, or looking up at the sky or finding an open space - is so powerful. Connecting your feet to the earth, or gazing at a beautiful view, or listening to the sounds of trees/ birds/ waves...will create an internal shift.

8. WORDS

Putting words to feelings assists in moving them up and out of the body 

9. JOURNALING

A journal offers a really safe, non-judgemental place to express yourself. Writing things out in long-form, pen to paper style is particularly effective for cognitive processing but you can also type things onto a phone or computer. I would encourage writing out any negative or weird thoughts that you are ashamed or feel guilty about - as it allows you to clear the cobwebs and better understand your emotions.

10. TALK WITH OTHERS

Conversations can be immensely valuable! Find people you can talk to - and ensure there is a relationship of trust. You may choose to talk to a friend, a family member or a therapist. It is important to find a person/ people that will appropriately hold space for you - especially if you want to talk through some of the tough stuff. Reaching out for professional help is super common and not something to feel fear or shame around. 

11. TALK TO YOURSELF

You might find you have some time alone in the car/ home/ office - use these moments to ask yourself: How am I? What am I feeling right now? Where do I feel that in my body? What am I trying to escape? Why? 

You’ll likely be surprised at the clarity you can get with this simple act. There is an inner-knowing you can call on for help when you let the outside noises fade away. The more specific the question - the more specific your answer will be.

12. VIDEO/ AUDIO JOURNALING

Hit record on your smartphone or computer as you verbalise any thoughts and feelings coming up. You can delete it straight away or perhaps you’ll find it useful to replay one day.

REST!!!!

After all the FEELING and the PROCESSING - ensure you are getting adequate rest. It truly is VITAL for a healthy mind and body. As we rest, our whole system restores, processes and detoxifies itself. There are some amazing sleep and relaxation technologies available these days. You may like to try Yoga Nidra + Meditation.

SQUELCH

So whether you can see mud on the horizon, you've just dusted yourself off, or you are in the thick of it - you have clearly decided to go on a “bear” hunt. Be grateful for every squelch and squerch you go through - as those are the sounds of growing stronger. The Universe has given you this muddy path because it believes you are worthy of the journey.

Namaste xx